What I want to say but won’t, anxiety and other stuff.

Hi. It’s me again.

(I could totally make the intro to this post a mashup of OLD country songs.) Lets try it.

Hello. It’s me again Margaret. It’s been a loooooong tiiiime, you’re just as lovely as you used to be. I’ve been digging up bones, just digging up bones…the older I get, the older I get and I’ve got a tiger by the tail.

Ha, not bad.

Anyway, I hope you guys are all doing well.

Gosh, I have missed my blog. From planning, to writing and reading and interacting with you guys. I’ve missed it all.

My last post was about being sick again and looking forward to going to the coast for Phil’s birthday. I was going to cook and eat and be happy and we were going to have the time of our lives enjoying that salty air that I crave so much. See my post here Life.

Well. That didn’t happen.

The weather was absolute trash and of course I got sick. Like throwing up can’t walk, want to crawl into a hole sick. It was miserable and embarrassing. Have I told you that I am an ugly puker? I mean seriously. Ugly. Violently ugly. My eyes water and my face gets red and I sweat. I may even pee a little. Damn, it stinks to be that sick. One minute I was happily holding my sweetheart’s hand walking on the beach, between rain breaks, and the next I had the most GOD awful vertigo ever and after a not so cool 46 minutes of spinning, I blew chunks. Ugh. So gross.

Anyway, when I went to the hospital with vertigo and the pukes back in October, they did brain scans and chest x rays and other ridiculously expensive tests, but never looked in my damn ears. So turns out I have been walking around with fluid in them BOTH and bulging eardrums in them BOTH, for MONTHS. I found this little bit of info after many trips back and forth to the doctor over the holidays with the mother sticking flu. I know, right. When it rains, it pours. I finally have an appointment at the end of January with an ENT, and an eye doc for a retina scan on Valentine’s Day.

Why a retina scan on Valentine’s?? Because when it rains, it pours.

The anxiety of all of this has been a booger to get over. I feel major anxiety and panic attacky. I haven’t had either of those things for years. Whew, the last few weeks feel like one major panic. I guess there really is a lot going on though, between an early period, the steroids and antibiotics, anti emics, the decongestants and antihistamines, on top of the Lupus stuff. I’ve been feeling like the walking dead. But, I haven’t walked. And, I’m afraid to go anywhere alone or otherwise and I’m super hyper aware of every little nuance or stumble or weirdness that I feel. Panicky that it’s going to happen again, or that it’ll happen while I’m driving or at Little’s basket ball game. Or while I’m in the bathroom at work. I swear, it’s one of the worst feelings ever of life. It’s been a journey though. One I’m hopefully getting over or at least hopefully proverbially getting the tiger by the tail.

See what I did there? That’s how you know this girl feels better. Humor.

I only tell my Mom and Dad how I’m really feeling. At work I say I’m okay. When folks ask how I’m doing, I smile and say okay. Most of the time, my Mom can look at me and tell when it’s a good day or a bad day and my Dad tries to be very optimistic about it all. I do try to talk to Phil about it, but I feel like, maybe he feels like I’m being whiney. Or that I’m complaining. I don’t see him as often. I just haven’t felt up for going out, or even company. So, we’ve been loving each other from afar.

Sometimes, I feel like my illness is too much for him.

Anyway, there is a point to all of this lamenting. I hope to get back on a regular posting schedule soon. I have so many ideas, I’ve been writing them all down. You guys know, I’m such a planner. I finally hit 100 subscribers. That’s celebratory. Thank you guys for hanging in there with me.



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